Archive for the 'infertility/miscarriage' Category


Amara Christian Becker

I wrote this memorial story about 6 weeks ago for our family blog, but I wanted to put it here as well because I’ve had some follow-up/miscarriage related posts running through my head that I wanted to put here and I thought I’d start with the story of our miscarriage.

“Could we hear our children speaking to us out of heaven, they would say, ‘Weep not for us who are happy; we lie upon a soft pillow, even in the bosom of Christ. The Prince of Peace is embracing us and kissing us with the kisses of His lips. Be not troubled at our preferment… You are in the valley of tears, but we are on the mountain of spices. We have gotten to our harbor, but you are still tossing on the waves of inconsistency.’ ” -Thomas Watson, The Art of Divine Contentment

Yesterday we began to grieve the death of our third child, Amara Christian Becker. He was with us for a seemingly short while, but the impact of his death will remain with us forever. We do not grieve a loss, because we have not lost her. Rather, we grieve a delay in the day when we will be able to hold her and rejoice with her. We will never hover over him as he works to take his first steps next winter, but we rest in the comfort that he is already walking with God in heaven, and for this we are endlessly grateful. We will never get to hear her first words, but she is already singing praises in heaven that put Handel’s Hallelujah chorus to shame. I will never get to hold him in my arms and smell his sweet baby skin, but he is being cradled by the arms of our Father, whose love is perfect and far surpasses what our own could ever be. We named our child Amara, which means unfading and eternal, and Christian, which means follower of Christ and is also a family name.

This is not a private loss to us. This is not “retained products of conception”. This is the loss of our son or daughter, a Child of God, made in His image. We invite our friends, family, and church body to grieve with us, as we have grieved with you in your losses and rejoiced with you in your blessings. Our eyes are red and puffy, but we do not despair. We do not weep for our baby, because our baby has been blessed. We weep for our own loss, the end of the dreams that we had for our child here on Earth. We weep because we just have to wait that much longer to see our precious little one. God has not abandoned us, but rather He is drawing us closer to Him in this.

I went in for my first appointment and after getting reacquainted with my doctor, he began the ultrasound to confirm that everything was going well. As he began to sweep the wand across my belly, I caught my first glimpse of our baby. I had been nervous already about the appointment, so seeing the baby was comforting. Then he took a measurement of the baby, and she was small. She was smaller than Eva had been at her 8 week appointment, and this one was supposed to be 9 1/2 weeks. He spent a few more minutes in silence looking around, and I could tell that the baby was small and wasn’t moving. He then asked when I had gotten my first positive pregnancy test, and at that point my worst fears were confirmed. Our baby was measuring two weeks behind, and he could not find a heartbeat. He spent about 20 minutes with me talking about it, going over our options, answering questions, and giving comforting advice. I was very thankful to have the same doctor who had delivered Eva and who is a Christian and could share in our grief and our comfort.

I would like to take a second to thank our family and close friends who have stood by us and prayed with us over the past two days, but particularly my amazing husband. Andrew’s attitude, sacrifice, and constant attention have always served to make my post-partum period an absolute dream for me, and he has been an incredible blessing in this situation as well. While some husbands would hide their pain and pretend to brush it off, leaving me to grieve alone, Andrew has supported me and grieved with me and prayed with me. After all, Amara was his child just as much as she was mine. I am so thankful to God for providing me with a husband who so wonderfully models the unconditional love and care of our Heavenly Father.

Our sweet baby was greeted by aunts and uncles, great grandparents, and other children who would have been friends and classmates in heaven who have gone before us. Our child is surrounded by family and resting in the arms of God.


“The Lord does not measure out our afflictions according to our faults,
but according to our strength,
and looks not to what we deserve,
but what we are able to bear.”
~George Downame (1560-1634)



I want to expand a bit on something that I mentioned in my post announcing our pregnancy. I mentioned that we’ve been praying for this baby since B was about 7 months old, and I want to tell the whole story on that one.

Our plan was to have two kids close together (18 months apart or so), wait two or three years, and then have another one or two (again, close together). We didn’t see any problems with this plan because we had a really easy time getting pregnant with B, so we figured that any subsequent babies would be just as easy to conceive. But as they say, if you want to hear God laugh tell Him your plans.

I thought about telling the whole medical side of the story, but it gets a little technical. Suffice it to say that there was obviously something not right with the way my body was working and so we sought the help of a local OB who specializes a bit in infertility. After being diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I went on a couple of different medications, namely clomid and metformin. The clomid wasn’t fun and ended up not being the wonder drug that most women claim it is, and we were glad to switch off of it and to the metformin. After 8 months of treatment and OPKs and 18 months of charting my temperature every morning, we found out we were expecting!

“Testing Day” had become a bit of a big deal to me (and my husband). But after months and months of negative results, the excitement and expectations started to wear down a bit. Friday, September 19th came around with surprisingly little anticipation for being T-day. The only thing I really remember leading up to it was lying in bed the night before and commenting to Andrew that if the test came out positive the next morning, we’d have a hard time not telling our friends who we were getting together with for dinner that night. So Friday morning came, and Andrew headed off to work around 5:30 or 6:30 (I don’t remember which). I got up at 7 and almost forgot to grab the test on my way to the bathroom. After taking the test, I set it on the counter and came out to check email and dink around online for the 5 minute wait. I went back into the bathroom and looked down and there were two pink lines. I started crying and went and grabbed my phone and speed dialed Andrew. His initial reaction was that someone must be dying for me to be calling him that early in the morning, and when he answered all he heard was sobbing and blubbering (which made him think even more that someone was dead), but then he heard something about two pink lines and understood what it was all about. We both walked around for the next hour or so (him at work, me at home) saying, “Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.” We’d been planning this and trying for it for more than two years, and it was such a wonderful surprise.

While our struggle with infertility is over for now, we hope to deal with it again in a few years. I’d like to do a few posts on infertility here on Scarlet Lillies, but I’m very nervous about taking on any sort of “this is how to deal with infertility” type tone. So I might do some posts, and I might not. I probably will post some quotes and verses that were of great blessing to me though. And, if anyone has any questions, particularly about the treatments that I had or PCOS, or the cheapest place to get pregnancy tests (it’s not the dollar store!), feel free to email me (my address is on our “about” page I believe). I’d be happy to answer any questions that I can and I know that it’s always nice to know when there’s someone out there who is going through/gone through the same struggles that you are. And last but not least, rejoice in God’s plans for you. Our plans were apparently off by about two years, but God’s knowledge surpasses ours and I’m much happier having a baby in my belly according to the wisdom of God than an 18 month old according to my own.